October 17, 2013

No Turning Back, No Turning Back

Most of my blog posts haven't been too personal... mostly me sharing all the lovely inspirations as a result of my rabid reading habit. However, as a young artist experimenting with form and medium, it is inevitable that my personal life and perceptions will colour my art from time to time, and so I will share.

It's with much, much joy that I've decided to return to Christianity. I say this with much excitement and trepidation at once... because I have been the epitome of the prodigal son. Almost ten years have eclipsed since I first began questioning God, becoming cynical and then leaving the faith, and progressively living an amoral life - very much a Dorian Gray. If I were to compare myself with an animal, I would be a wild stallion, needing its head, not submissive to any simple master's whip.

I am still so young in these matters, so I do not write to presume to convince anyone. My logic for believing is simple:
  • The atheist may posit that man is capable of distinguishing good from evil. 
  • Another posit is that morality is relative, and the concept of good and evil is enforced by society.
  • It is found that even babies know how to lie. If the innocents of our society know some form of deceit, then can we be any less blameless?
  • Who defines and enforces morality then?

The next question: whom to believe? I find the introduction of Aravind Adiga's "The White Tiger" amusing: the atheist protagonist states that, because it is a Hindu custom to start a story by praying to a Higher Power, he considers all gods and calculates that he has 36,000,004 gods to pray to. But I digress.

Again, my logic is simple. If I were to believe in a god that has the power to determine my ultimate fate, I would choose a god that is... (according to the principle of rationality and self-interest, to put a logical anchor):
  1. benevolent. (Who wants an angry or malevolent god?)
  2. the largest power in the universe. Because if he didn't create the universe - if he were merely an arranger or guardian of order, then there has to be a bigger power... which would mean that my god is a lesser being to whatever the bigger power is.
  3. unchanging in his nature and promise. The ancient Greek/Roman gods are an example in capriciousness e.g. they change their natures quickly - for example, Hera who is known for her jealous and vengeful nature (again, this points to the first point of benevolence).

If I were to believe in a god, I want to believe in a God that is omnipotent, omniscient, and all-powerful (Isaiah 43:10-11, Psalm 96:5). I want a God whose nature is unchanging (Psalm 90:2) and whose words were true when He first said them then and remain true today (Isaiah 40:8). More importantly, I want a God that loves and cares for me (John 3:16). I want a God that offers redemption... one to whom I can come to with all my flaws, weaknesses, and sins, and He offers life instead (Jeremiah 29:10-14).

And He has found me. This God who loves the "me" who was proud and reckless; I who am sick; and even I who tried to pit my logic against Him. Despite my weaknesses, I am slowly learning how to be joyful and submit all areas of my life to Him. I count it amazing that I am changing for the better, not because of my own human will, but because of His mercy... and thanks to my beautiful, faithful family and friends who have prayed for me all these years. 

On a footnote, I struggle with very bad insomnia. Not the type of "look, I can stay up 50 hours without sleeping"; more like "I've had a long day and worked out at the gym but it's 5 a.m. and I'm awake". One night as I lay tossing and turning, this verse came to me, and an image very strongly too (hyperactive imagination perhaps), but it has calmed me and helped me get some much-needed rest. I finally took some time today to sketch it out:


I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
No turning back, no turning back. 



Amen, amen, and amen!

2 comments:

  1. Love it sister. I thought about posting a smartass quote here, but I've got nothing. I've got nothing. Only joy. Glory to Jesus.

    KP

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    Replies
    1. Thank you KP! So excited to begin this new walk :)

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